As a new day is revealed
Shining bright in the darkest places
Separation from the veil of death
There is life
To expose what some call normal
Resist the need to conform
For what you hear is the Father knocking
He’s standing at your door
For years the beautiful array of creation would catch my eye. Then without blinking I would find myself terrified and covering in darkness.
Having arguments in the mirror, or in my head; sharing a slightly altered version to each new ear that would listen.
The more frequent I would share these stories, half truth half lie, or full lie devoid of the truth; there was a momentary rush almost as powerful as the drugs I was on. A toxic yet exhilarating mix of dopamine and adrenaline. Because each time I shared a story to defend my actions and someone believed it I felt powerful.
Over time this process began to dictate my life. For those whom where close but not my closest I could control the topic of conversation to hide behind my expressions of joy, there was power in it.
Yet for those whom really knew me, those closest to me, rarely was Joy expressed. Those closest to me received the overflow of my heart. My bitterness and shame that would partner with quilt. I would use anger and rage as my exit strategy. My anger would give me power to leave a conversation or situation because I chose to do so.
These were always my darkest moments. Blackouts, over drafting my account, payday loans, electricity being shut off. These were the worst.
Waking up in someone else’s home unsure of the night before without a ride. Staying there until I was unwelcome I couldn’t wait for them to leave, often pretending to be asleep so I didn’t to face the fear of being asked to leave. Then when they would leave I would search for food to eat that hopefully they wouldn’t miss.
I look back at that lifetime and often wonder.
You see, that life….
That death….
The lack, loss and unknown, I would never want to experience again. I don’t want anyone to go through that. I’ve been wrong, damaging, hurtful and lost.
I’ve carried the weight at times for the relationships I’ve destroyed. I still see the faces of the arguments. I remember what death looks like. I’ve known both the joy & fear of silence.
The healing begins with you
The ownership begins with you
The next step is yours
My next step took 36 years to take. A 1/3 of a century…….. that was tool long.
Taking one step for what is right, Holy and true has the ability to transform generations to come…..
Will you take that step?
Jesus took my sin,shame & guilt. He filled me with His promise, The Holy Spirit. He began to teach me how to trust, love and listen. He gave me a new heart and mind.
Its not often that I revisit the past, after all I have accepted the love of Jesus and set my eyes forward. Being forgiven, is often weightless. Being free is from accusations, fear and exposure…… that’s rewired my mind. I believe in the promise of Heaven to come just as I believe in the promise of Heaven on Earth right now…..
We don’t have to accept death. But we have a choice…… for me, I choose life
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